Dr. Wayne Dyer

And another thing:

So tweeting isis made me wana write this, the past two years have not been as happy as they should and being in grad school is a big part of that, perhaps it’s my dept and not grad school in general? (simultaneously, these have been a couple of my best years, best meaning most successful) but i really feel like i’ve been dropped in world where no one gives a flying *insert obscenity here*…and I’m not used to an environment like that…like I’m studying in the women’s lounge and it feels like i should be able to be emotional in here, but thats kinda stereotypical like ‘yeah, women study and cry in the women’s lounge’ <–? no. But ughk, I just feel this overwhelming robotic feeling, like ughk, idk… an environment where everything is supposed to be logical and objective, where being robotic in emotion is more fitting than human emotion…

it interrupts feeling and it interrupts faith. It sucks that I have to take proactive steps to feeling anything or to enjoy or whatever, otherwise everything is mad neutral and I’m not a neutral girl, I’m a happy girl…

Anyway, I’m listening to the Cadillac Records soundtrack which I love so I’m keep going at this work (consistently for real) til like 2am? smh…

night

Sometimes I feel like this:

Dear student,

I am not your homie or your friend, I cannot hook you up or help you out. What you get is what you get.

Good day…

 

(yeah, that’s all )

Random and Pointless Pt 2.

So I really should be finishing my reading for my super duper awesome urban education course but I can’t think really. I feel like loving academia as much as I do, is like being in love with a boring ass (sorry) man…(not a sorry man – that was my apology for cussing)….

Like I love academia – I really do, but it is dry and dull sometimes. And it’s like I’d rather leave it for a really fun guy you know! But I know that academia is where my heart is, but I wake up some mornings (like today), thinking “this is it?” “Is this me foreseeing the rest of my life with a super boring man named Academia?”

I know I’ll have more freedom when I become a professor so that’s super cool but still. I’m typically very lively and passionate and enthusiastic but there’s not a lot of room for that here. And eventually you absorb the culture–I just don’t wanna lose myself doing that…not when I’m still defining who I am, not when I have this adventurous spirit that gets quieted every time there’s work to do…

I dunno, I really need to find a happy medium. Hopefully, I’m on the road to finding it

Random and Unrelated

Sometimes I just feel like being a complete stereotype.

Stereotype 1:

Sometimes I really wanna be all finger snappin (which i think is cliche in poetry spots so i’d rather clap or shout something like “yeaaaahh” or “that’s what I’m talkin ’bout!” know what i mean? I don’t wanna snap cuz everybody else is snapping but for the sake of this stereotype….

Sometimes I really just wanna be that girl who’s finger snapping, wearing handmade jewelry or jewelry that looks handmade with her headwrap on. I wanna sit in a sophisticated coffee shop with my books or my notebook or gaze aimlessly (in whatever direction you choose) looking real deep stupid while I ponder about nothing that’s really that important. Sometimes I really wanna be her…

Stereotype 2:

Sometimes I really just wanna be that girl that just walks around thinking she’s too cute in her semi-hood/rocker (how rocker and hood go? i cant explain it right now, they just do) fabulous way like when I had my super cute ponytail and strip of pink in the bang which made it look hood but not ratty  (at least I didn’t think it did….so sad, cannot find the pic!)

Stereotype 3:

Sometimes I just wanna dress very free spirited and bohemian like because it’s comfortable and it’s happy, which for me is usually something oversized but cute or a long skirt that in every thread of it wants to reflect a pollera with a fit top and maybe a pointless scarf, something like that.

I don’t know but these are three consistent categories that I fall into and at times “perform” because we really can feel or be anything we want a given time.

None of this blog had a purpose, but I’ll put up a poem to make up for it:

Spanglish

pues estoy creando spanglish
bi-cultural systems
scientific lexicographical
inter-textual integrations
two expressions
existentially wired
two dominant languages
continentally abrazandose
en colloquial combate
en las aceras del soil
imperio spanglish emerges
control pandillaje
sobre territorio bi-lingual
las novelas mexicanas
mixing with radiorocknroll
condimented cocina lore
immigrant/migrant
nasal mispronouncements
baraja chismeteos social club
hip hop prieto street salsa
corner soul enmixturando
spanish pop farandula
standard english classroom
with computer technicalities
spanglish is literally perfect
spanglish is ethnically snobbish
spanlish is cara-hola inteligencia
which u.s. slang do you speak?

-Tato Laviera

deet deet deet

So what is dating in the 21st century? It’s a lot different than what I’m used to. There’s a continuum of emotions instead of some that are blk and white, those emotions that place you under a label with a certain special boy or girl that you couldn’t imagine being without for a given period of time (but not in some codependent way)….

This is the Age of the Gray. And it turns me off in so many ways to dating. It’s hard enough dealing with my own fickleness. I’d like to say I’m fickle enough to not stay in the gray, but hey, who am I to judge? I could be 200% bias since I’m looking at myself.

(aww, just drank some cough syrup and now I’m feeling sleepy after like 10 minutes.)

It’s just so crazy because I know I’m gonna be up in NoMansLand for a number of years and this is not the dating atmosphere. 3-4 yrs in a dateless atmosphere? I mean I could always meet someone at a conference or at an open mic? Maybe not at an open mic, but def at a conference.

A lot of academics I know are single or married (w/no kids) and I don’t feel like being in either of those categories when I get my papers.

I completely think the ‘black women don’t have anybody too date’ thing is garbage b/c I am an equal-opportunity dater. Always have been, always will be. But if chicks were still tryna keep it “all in the family,” there are definitely great Black guys out there too so hey

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I’m a simple person overall but things get complex when my heart is involved…-quote from my homeirl

___

Semi separate: I don’t like the label ‘dating.’ I feel like it’s a label that carries a meaning and should only be used when it’s a part of a trajectory to become something more serious. I just developed that concept but this is all me trying to diagnosis and learn from my previous mistakes.

It’s like I don’t think this should be complicated at all, but my generation and maybe the one before made this thing all crazy. You’re with who you with, you don’t hold an enormous emotional tie (at least not one that will label you with a person), however long ur with them – so what, who cares, I want more for less or just enough for less….

It’s so frustrating. I was completely born in the wrong decade. I should’ve been born much earlier, like when people were less selfish and individualistic, I don’t know.

The dating climate seems very foggy. Weird enough though, there are definitely a bunch of people either i know or through some line of a friend are getting married #wassupwiththat?. So I mean everything I’m sayin isn’t generalizable but hey, I dunno…

I don’t know, I’m tired. In other news, my homegirl is fanegeling a double hang out with a couple dudes who are MSU alumni #win…so we’ll see what that does, I’m thinking nothing much. They were some really cool guys though so that’s something. If I wouldn’t have fun with somebody I would hang with them

But anyway, ok this was nothing important. #sleep

I should be reading Weber, I’m sleepy

So I should not be blogging right now but I am…

(sidenote: it seems that blogs have lost their function as a tool for personal expression for the personal. Now it’s personal expression for the public – regardless of both being public mediums)

Anyway, so I saw a quote today that kinda rubbed me the wrong way “Ignorance plagues the black community” –quote by a black person (<–oh the irony…)

Anyway, this got me thinking. I certainly went through my semi-radical black days (they really weren’t all that radical) and I mean I certainly critiqued any and everything black people did but then I noticed there’s always this comparison. It’s a real one sided analysis where things that are “black” are bad (even in an effort to be good) and anything “nonblack” is good (effortlessly). So the “nonblack” side rarely gets the critique it deserves (or at least the critique it would get if Blacks were the hegemonic power- and I say Blacks as heg power b/c almost universally, the browner/darker/blacker you are, the worst off your conditions as a group compared to those on top).

With that being said, I ended up in a discussion today with some of my homegirls. One who got told by her mom that basically black girls were ugly with short hair #sigh (needless to say my homegirl’s mom is black -not surprising-)

So then we get on hair, of course. So about let’s say, last month I was rockin my wraps how I love to do and wearing the mini fro or a press. However, b/c I’m so versatile and have just accepted all diverse hair forms/styles as African-American culture (black hair culture even diasporically) ::-cultural significance = black hairshows-:: (<–especially in Detroit). Needless to say, right now my hair is a little long #unnaturally and proudly so (as everything I do with my hair, I’m proud of or I wouldn’t do it)

So anyway, I was definitely at some point very anti-weave, anti-str8, anti-x/y/z. Only thing that I am now, is anti-perm. It’s unhealthy for the scalp and when you’re pregnant you’re not even supposed to have one because it can cause problematic health effects for the unborn child (<–deep). So to me that’s a very functional thing, not to mention my bad experiences with perm. However, I’ve also had bad experiences with presses and braids which I still support. But if the perm works for another, to each her own (minus being with child).

So anyway, everything Black or that Blacks do end up under this micro-microscope. I feel like this started with European scientists/social scientists who for centuries have tried to figure out “the Black condition” smh (one of which they helped created if any condition would even exist, but that’s another story)….(“oh, i dropped this egg on the floor, i wonder how it broke…?…) … but what these European scientists or philosophers (blah blah blah) found was that Blacks were morally deficient in everywhere, hyper-sexualized, hyper-aggressive **insert more lies here**

So in our extreme analysis of Blacks today, I think it’s almost the same thing. When we marinate in the problems without trying to find solutions, it’s problematic. That said, everyone’s solution to a ‘problem’ wont be the same.

..wait, how did i get here?…

Back to the hair thing, I would much rather be friends with a humble girl with weave than an arrogant girl with a fro. I would rather be cool with a dude open-minded to all than a dude who was like pro-black and misogynistic.

Point being, to me, as long as a person doesn’t define who they are as a person as a soul, by their exterior – on an I’m better than you’ – then it should be fine. But as soon as I become blacker to you because I wear a headwrap and magically less black when I wear fake hair, then that’s dumb…

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In short, all of these negative statements about Black Americans have been regurgitated to the global masses. These Black Americans who get all the airplay on the tube is such a small percent, it’s ridiculous how much it really doesn’t represent a whole group of people.

That said, Black people in America, yeah, we have our problem, but so does every other group. How well one can hide it because of one’s privilege, capital, control, etc. is another blog for another day …

This little quiz was right….

You Are an Idealist

You are a natural born leader, even if those leadership talents haven’t been developed yet. You have the power and self confidence to succeed in life, and your power grows daily. Besides power, you also have a great deal of creativity that enables you to innovate instead of fail. You are a visionary, seeing the big picture instead of all of the trivial little details. Your strength: Your supreme genius Your weakness: Your inappropriate sensitivity Your power color: Gold Your power symbol: Star Your power month: January but what is “inappropriate sensitivity”? ___________________________________________

I’m happy!

Yay! Super happy today, not sure why I just am and that’s great. Woke up, ate cereal, hooked up some platano…doing grades and things. Wanna hop the bus to campus but I think yesterday’s bus ride got me feeling sick, I dunno…

I go to the writing center today so they can help me with my app…Dang, is it today or next Thurs? I gotta double check. Either way it’s in the afternoon….

I love Dwele’s Sketches of a Man. It’s so cool that he’s known as a singer but also has artwork – multifaceted men are the ‘it’ thing y’know…

I got inspired to do some of my story today, but I don’t think thats top priority so Im puttiin it to the side…again…

I think Ima go to bdubbs and just chill in there and watch a game and write the story as I watch b/c Vic knows football and Kenya is trying to learn sooo yeah…

Anyway, that’s it! Happy Thursday!

Still can’t concentrate but found something awesome

So, I just put together being at a PWI is a very complicated thing for me. As it was last yr, but I think I’m dealing with it differently this yr.

And I’m finding the need to express blackness (in all its variations that fit me) in different ways. So I just watched this video of this kid, which made me wanna hear the blk national anthem. I used to sing this in chapel at my lutheran school (church predom. whites; kids predom black). I never knew this was the BNA, I js knew it was Lift Every Voice and Sing.

So i found this clip which I thought was great:

This really makes me feel proud to be Black in America (and it always has when i think about it, just havent heard the song in so long).

I’m really finding that  I need to keep African-American or Black things in general in my face and/or ears, so I know that my identity is affirmed. We don’t all need to wear a dashiki (which my friend told me where she went in Africa, they didn’t even know what that name was), or perform our Blackness…it seems the hardest thing to do is to just “be.” Be you, the body is nothing but a vehicle carrying a soul. Affirming one’s identity, in my opinion, satisfies the soul (so this includes loving yourself and others for who they are). This could minimize colorism and all the other -isms we hold as a people. So while we have bodies on earth we need to navigate this place as best we can, and with the parameters given, we have to embrace who we are in whatever way we see fit, while not tearing a part each other.

I guess this is it for real tonight