Hair

I’m gonna write a hair entry soon … there’s so much to say. I actually found a girl, Apricot Tea, whose been able to say everything (or a lot) of what I’ve been wanting, too.  Sheesh, it’s a journey – outside and within. As frustrating as it may be, the complex or whatever it is makes me feel human, which my environment has not completely allowed me to do. So I like it…

Inspiration

So my boy wrote this in his status:

“Name” is queer and brown. today is indigenous people’s day and national coming out day. you betta believe this jota is takin the day off. shout out to all the jotitas coming into their own skin. adelante mij@s!

So, that if anything, lifted me up this morning/afternoon. This is the type of inspiration that I don’t get from graduate school. The type of inspiration that comes from the trenches, that comes from the heart, the gut, the soul, the pit of your stomach … the inspiration that’s bold and demanding. The fight in the struggles of queer communities, the fight in black folk before black folk got comfortable, the fight in community projects where your hands get dirty, your body gets sweaty, it’s hot out, the sun’s out, your white shirt is now gray black brown – useless in any other situation that doesn’t require you being dirty! Shit! That’s the type of inspiration I want … and man, I love the privilege that this place gives me but this place has no heart. It has no soul. It just is what it is, no root, or at least not a root that I’ve been culturally and historically a part of. Whose torch am I fuckin carryin? … anyway, this is it for now.

Revelation

I can’t write because I haven’t been reading as much …. point noted. Reading here I come…

I feel the love

I feel the love today. I feel really good. It could be this coffee, it could be because I had a good cry today (thanks to that damn One Tree Hill), it could be because I decided to let go, it could be because of the card and letter I got from a distant friend and long distance boyfriend, it could be because I’ve tried to regain control of my life’s different areas, it could be because my relationship with my advisor has improved, it could be because I’m going to see a play on Saturday, it could be because of my John Legend station on pandora, it could be because I’m in love, it could be because I brought my boyfriend home the other day, it could be because my mom is funny, compassionate, & cute, it could be because my dad told me he misses me everyday, it could be because my bed is big and comfortable and my comforter is the shit, it could be because I’ve decided to reclaim Detroit as my homeland i.e., country and not a city…

It could be a number of things =) I’m happy about whatever the reason because I feel the love… back to work! =o)

Things I Didn’t Know

No one told me that my discipline was not gonna be a reflection of or reintegration of what I used to do and who I used to be around ’04, ’05, ’06 … No one told me, it’s just one of those things you find out along the way. If it were ever possible to feel stuck, I feel that. If it were ever possible to feel trapped, I feel that. If it ever felt possible to feel like you’re living someone else’s dream, I feel that.

But this is pretty much a privileged outcry, right? I should be overly satisfied and grateful that I’ve been rewarded with the possibility to attend grad school. I know. At the same time, academia is changing and it doesn’t guarantee the perks that it did even ten years ago. It is a breeding ground for competition – which is fine because I like competition (I’ve been an athlete up until college). At the same time, there’s something off but I can’t put my finger on it. I’m semi-convinced that when I leave this place, I’m gonna explore something else – who knows what? Who knows where? Maybe I just want the simple life. Maybe I want to be able to just pay my bills, have a roof over my head, nurture my spirit, and thoroughly enjoy those who are around me. But someone’s gonna tell me that that’s not enough because in this culture, nothing is every enough. And the only people who aren’t overly searching for more (perhaps searching for more in a difft way tho) are those who are forced to stay where they are because of life circumstances, structural inequality, or whatever.

Once again, my spirit is silenced and told to sit to the side while I finish this degree. I have like 3 more years? Something like that. I’ll need the utmost amount of patience and rose-colored glasses to get me through. At the same time, I’m gonna enjoy sleeping in this nice, warm apt that grad school allows me to live in … I guess we call that a silver lining?

Maybe I should’ve considered the Peace & Justice program or the Community Engagement one? But who knew…

New Doors

And so, I must say that I think this will be one of the most challenging years for me. Why? Because I feel like I’m about to be stretched and pulled in ways that will ultimately benefit me in the future – to be more mature, more organized, more direct, more compassionate, more understanding, more patient, more assertive, just more – and these are all good things but those darn growing pains. My spirit is moved right now, that’s how I know something is happening. My feelings don’t feel superficial or on the periphery, but something in my core is about change into another level person. The type of woman, leader, mother, instructor that I want to be all have the same underlying points – one permeated with care and compassion but also is balanced with being able to be stern & challenging for the better. Kinda like those old fashion black women we think of, I want to be like her (think the mother from Soul Food, the series or the movie)…

So yeah, that’s about it for today.

=)

He makes the best tuna. I’ve never tasted tuna as sweet as his. It must be the type of relish he chooses. But I promise I could pick the same bottle and it would not taste like that (still good) but not like his. He also makes the best coffee (and sunny side up eggs). I’m about to see if I can make mine like this morning. Funny thing is, he doesn’t even drink coffee and I’ve been drinking it since I was 16. The irony. Anyway, I’ve opened my blinds and the sun is shining through and I like it. Breakfast, then campus, meetings, then half off wine night …oh, and I have to mix some moving up in there somewhere.

Attraversiamo! into the day =)