No one told me that my discipline was not gonna be a reflection of or reintegration of what I used to do and who I used to be around ’04, ’05, ’06 … No one told me, it’s just one of those things you find out along the way. If it were ever possible to feel stuck, I feel that. If it were ever possible to feel trapped, I feel that. If it ever felt possible to feel like you’re living someone else’s dream, I feel that.
But this is pretty much a privileged outcry, right? I should be overly satisfied and grateful that I’ve been rewarded with the possibility to attend grad school. I know. At the same time, academia is changing and it doesn’t guarantee the perks that it did even ten years ago. It is a breeding ground for competition – which is fine because I like competition (I’ve been an athlete up until college). At the same time, there’s something off but I can’t put my finger on it. I’m semi-convinced that when I leave this place, I’m gonna explore something else – who knows what? Who knows where? Maybe I just want the simple life. Maybe I want to be able to just pay my bills, have a roof over my head, nurture my spirit, and thoroughly enjoy those who are around me. But someone’s gonna tell me that that’s not enough because in this culture, nothing is every enough. And the only people who aren’t overly searching for more (perhaps searching for more in a difft way tho) are those who are forced to stay where they are because of life circumstances, structural inequality, or whatever.
Once again, my spirit is silenced and told to sit to the side while I finish this degree. I have like 3 more years? Something like that. I’ll need the utmost amount of patience and rose-colored glasses to get me through. At the same time, I’m gonna enjoy sleeping in this nice, warm apt that grad school allows me to live in … I guess we call that a silver lining?
Maybe I should’ve considered the Peace & Justice program or the Community Engagement one? But who knew…