Quarter Life Crisis?

Not quite the quarter life crisis – but I do like that concept. I will be 25 soon and actually, if I look at the life expectancy for (black) women, I’ve probably already reached a quarter of my life. Anyway, I’m content, no – happy to be where I am right now. I’m 24 goin on 30, right now craving boiled eggs and drinking top shelf wine on sale. Something about that is a touch bourgie and a touch poor – which makes sense because I’m some place in the middle. A working class kid who can play middle class as long as these graduate school checks ( or loans ) keep comin.

Anyway, so I’ve been thinking lately because I’m in a place I haven’t been much. In this “quarter” period I’m feeling more like an island than ever before. For the past double digit years, I’ve always felt like my best friends [one just texted me as soon as I typed best friend -an obvious omen or evidence of our telepathic abilities (i think that’s telepathy?) ]- and I were the ultimate and epitomic (okay, I made it up) model of best friends – even if we lose contact, we’re still there for the very important parts – childbirths, break ups, make ups, weddings (still waitin on this one), loss of loved ones, birthdays, breakdowns, need of a designated driver, graduations – you name it! We’re kind of there at those emergency times, too. Like the ones where you pray after a very long time because it seems the only option … well, sometimes, we’re that. Still, I always felt extremely connected except for a short period except for those short periods when like 2 yrs or so would go by without really talking to each other. But we were living our lives – working, school, boyfriends, travel, etc. The idea is that you come back from that and nothing feels like it’s changed.

Well, what happens if it’s not that easy? What happens when there isn’t just a physical time a part but somewhere along the line, it’s like a different time a part, not like emotional but some other intangible emotion. I don’t know what it is but it just feels present – like the God thing, so maybe I’ll say it’s the energy.

I connect this with the “quarter life crisis” because since this feeling is so foreign to me, it’s like is it an opening for a new period? Like the period when those tight friendship circles open up and grow and become like a wiry ridiculous shape without a name? Where young girls become women and tackle their own dreams – despite how different they may be from one another’s, no matter where it takes them physically, emotionally, etc.? I don’t know, I don’t know what it is but in this regard, I feel like an island.

If you were stranded on an island and you could take any one thing (that couldn’t be your safety net – of best friends), what would it be?

And I don’t know.

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A new post wouldn’t be a new post if it weren’t a vent …

I’m having one of those days where I’m tired of discussing colorism. I could even talk about racism, but colorism – no. I can’t even make this a full post – I’ll know we’re moving in the direction of post-racial when Black people and people of color period stop deeming their darker counterparts as something to be made fun of. I’ll know we’re moving towards post-racial when they can see that who they are is because of their darker counterparts, ancestors, etc. that usually ignore. I can’t even say it’s just a matter of being dark skinned b/c I think very very very fair skinned people get the short end of the stick too, in the since that they went a bit too far on the light side to be saved by “light-skinned grace,” perhaps confronted all the time about their blackness. On the flipside, being too dark is in some way too Black, — kinda like too much of a thing isn’t good … it’s just messed up that globally this is how the depth of Blackness is perceived … I can’t be fully upset b/c some people are just ignorant and foolish and haven’t sat to reflect about their thoughts.

So yeah, that’s it for right now

Who gets on my nerve? It seems everybody does…

Yesterday, I went on a mental fit about how Black people who hate Black people or anything Black – gets on my nerves. And I was thinking, there’s so many ways that can be taken. Uppity Black people who don’t like working class Black people things get on my nerves. Working class Blacks who always down on Lower class Blacks get on my nerves. Hood niggas get on my nerves. Elitist people get on my nerves. There’s a neverending story of who gets on my nerves!!

So how do I fix it? Omg – Idk. (<— shit like that gets on my nerves)….

I just – I mean in one way, this makes me all about equal opportunity, right? But is there a way I can flip this to become an equal opportunity person with love? Can I love all these people? Because in some way or another, all these groups affect me or are a part of me. It’s not a mirror thing at all, as in, I don’t like these groups because I don’t like myself. No.

It’s more like, people who are super elitist don’t find room or value in the words of people who are for whatever reason, in their imagination, beneath them. I don’t like that people with money or some higher level of income, think that everyone beneath that bracket is poor. I was raised in a house where the combined income was around 60k and I never went hungry or ┬ámissed anything that I didn’t need. At the same time, I feel like because the needs of the underclass are never discussed, that the working class are the people on the bottom – not a lot of money, but bills are paid (probably late), but all n all you make it. However, this part does irritate me about myself because I assume everybody is working class, including people in the lower class who may or may not be able to get their bills paid, who may or may not be able to have to focus on what I can focus on, who may or may not be a good person but have to hustle just to survive, literally….

Oh! Who I didn’t mention, I’m so tired of this whole Black woman syndrome shit that keeps coming up. If you don’t want to date a Black woman – go about your business and don’t, what’s the point of ragging on the group in public??? Just don’t say shit. The same thing for example with homosexuality, if you don’t like it – don’t be gay!! If you don’t like Black women, don’t date them and stfu up about it! Go one with your life – do you really need to put dirt on my name to make yourself feel better in the public light? No!!

Ok – I just haven’t written anything in a minute. I’m done for now.

Something bit me —

And said reach for something deeper, reach for something more. It asked who are you, who do you want to be, who are you trying to become?? It asked me will I love who I become if I don’t take a much more proactive role in my life. It basically asked me to take control of who I am. I love everything it had to say. I’m sure today’s sun and warm breeze helped all this truth pass my way…

Today was a good day. I can’t wait for tomorrow. I feel like I’m in a 3rd stage of my life. I say 3rd because there are other stages when I said oh ok, this is it, I’m done, everything is floating from here … but now I’m like oh! just kidding, there’s this new thing that I totally didn’t know existed – it’s another world, another stage where I start over. We’ll see…

So, this is it for now.

Fears

Great Modern Family Episode

Stuff, surprisingly non-academic

i’m in love. it bothers me. good night.

So here’s my background: “Nobody Knows My Name” – JB

I’ve always been one to hit the books, love the books, read the books – even if I weren’t one of those kids who read for leisure all the time, I read for class. Always on honor roll, always an athlete, competed in spelling bees, took up literary magazine to improve my poetry, never been expelled, never had detention, never been suspended, never got in fights…

It’s pretty safe to say with this description that I loved school. I can remember the smell spring days at the end of the year, when we’d hit Metro Beach for our annual school picnics, I remember the sandwiches my mom made and how everyone loved them and looked forward to them every year. I remember what the first day of school smelled like for all of my years in elementary school. I was in an accelerated program in high school in a magnet school. I remember A LOT about my school years. Most of my memories are all pleasant.

Needless to say, I’ve gotten to grad school and these memories are not in line at all with all of these memories past. I am here and I’ve become the middle school or high school who complains and rants about how much they hate school. These kids typically act out, withdraw communication, etc. I’m too old to act out but I’ve definitely withdrawn myself. I feel like one of those students who have the constant encounter with teachers who say to them “you aint shit, you never gon be shit.” Unfortunately, sometimes these kids hear this at home, too. Now, no one’s said these words to me here but I can read it in the actions. Kids can do this, too. I read it in what’s not said. I read it in the lack of support. I know the sentiment is there and it makes me very upset, but I’m in the process of managing that emotion. Sometimes kids can’t articulate the things they feel when in similar situations and they hold everything in and it shapes them. Well, I’m trying to manage these emotions so that they don’t shape me, so that I don’t become resentful.

People said that these are the breaks in grad school – it’s a tough place, more or less deal with it because every place will be the same. But I don’t think I’m ideal at all when I say I don’t think that’s true. When I feel a place doesn’t support its students of color and turn school loving individuals into potential grad school drop outs. If this place can be a best fit for someone else, I guarantee I can also find a “best fit” because I deserve it. They found their fit, somewhere out there is mine too.

Here, I feel weird. I feel like an outsider, I feel like where I come from carries a stigma, I feel like being a DPS – graduate is problematic, I feel like I’m in a place that won’t say “hey, we see this in you, let’s tap into it.” It’s “hey, we see this, I bet that’s problematic.” Since I’m a firm believer that mental and emotional health is just as important as physical health, being in an environment like that/like this is unhealthy and it’s stifling. I can grow anywhere, but here, it’s limited. I don’t believe in things like “no one can make you feel anything.” BS, because everything affects you and shapes you one way or the other. So my solution is to take it, own it, and do something about it. I’m in the process. I don’t feel respected here and that’s a feeling I’ve never had. I feel like I’m perceived as the Black ghetto chick from a dying city who will probably fail. I strongly feel like this is from being at a PWI and not being in a place that understands you/doesn’t want to. I have the credentials to be here and to be respected, outside of just being a human being – I have a 3.8gpa w/2 publications and mad connects, who just happen to be people I love or who are doing great things in my community.

I feel like that kid who can’t catch a break, who won’t be given the opportunity to establish and show herself- so the kid breaks through walls all it can to get something for herself, after a while you’re tired. After a while you give up. After a while you don’t care and only later will you feel like putting the pieces together. Then go on the journey to find another break. I’m on that journey and I’m on it alone. I’m too tired to listen to other people who don’t know what I want. I’m trying to figure out what I want and it’s on a different path than people imagine me. I don’t know how that happened because me and my self are over here, always have been…but no one ever cared to ask and truly listen to me when I described what “over here” was. Soooo, yeah, thats it today